We get it. His body is rocking. He’s polite. His hair is improbably perfect considering he flies at subsonic speeds, and your own doesn’t stay in place if you stand next to someone who breathes heavily. But.
The real question.
Does the world’s greatest do-gooder do it good?
You understand, we’re boink scientists. So we’re going to approach this properly. 5 reasons for, and five reasons against the argument for super man being fantastic at slam banging. In each one, we’ll try and use a different euphemism for the big red and blue doing the big nasty. But we’re only human, and frankly, we’re already so. tired.
Superman is good at sex
Reason 1: Dat Bod tho.
Look. Let’s start at the start and go from there, Superman, or as we call him, Big Cock Kal-El, has got it working. Whether it’s perfect Kryptonian genes, or a crippling sense of inferiority that sends him to the weights bench every night, we don’t know. But there is zero doubt in our minds, a man who can bench press a planet has a certain…je ne sais quoi.
Plus in some pics you can see his schlong through his lycra.
Reason 2: Willingness to please
You don’t embody other worldly power and go to work supporting the Metropolis Police Force unless you’re desperate for approval on some level. And troubling loyalty to state power aside, that willingness to please, can be useful in the sack. Clark has the power to shoot lasers from his eyes, lift skyscrapers and fly faster than a jet. And yet he craves the approval of his, lets be honest, beta boy cuck of a editor.
Perry White. Teach us your secrets.
Reason 3: Affinity for outlandish outfits
Superman can fly so fast, he tears through time. He can fly with enough power to reverse the turning of planet earth. And yet.
He limits himself to speeds that would not immediately destroy his costume. He limits himself to preserve the look. And brother, we understand.
Let us be clear, the outfit absolutely slaps. It’s a classic. Slimming, empowering, suitably bizarre, the kind of thing any young kryptonian could turn up in. It’s got a cape, which, I don’t think I need to explain, is absolute dynamite.
But do I love the outfit so much that I would limit myself to mortal speeds?
I do not.
Reason 4: Politeness and Consent
You may be surprised, because of our tone, and appearance, and demeanor, and the fact that we breed wolverines in our back yard dumpster as a side hustle, but we are incredibly polite bitches.
And so is SuperSchlong. He respects people, he is kind, he is polite. And, without letting this comedy article get dark, we absolutely support our softly spoken kings.
Reason 5: He once vibrated so hard he morphed through solid rock
I mean, jesus christ right?
Superman is bad at sex
Reason 1: Alien balls.
I mean, officially, we can’t say for sure Superman has weird alien balls. We can’t verify this for certain no matter how many weird lonely google searches we do in the dark of night. We’re just saying, if we were getting down with supes, we’d be uncommonly focussed on the possibility that he might. And that’s a mood killer.
Reason 2: He’s bullet proof.
Sure, sure, it sounds exciting, the possibility of doing the horizontal nasty with someone you could plausibly hit in the doink with a fire extinguisher without it neccesarily killing the mood, but think about it. The texture of a man who is bullet proof. The feel of skin with absolutely no give. The horror of it.
And that’s just it from your perspective. Superman once got shot in the eye with a gun and didn’t blink. You think he’s going to feel that studded ass paddle? Step it up. Get the blowtorch.
Reason 3: Lois looks bored a lot.
Look, it’s completely possible that they’re not a good match, but they’re just so clean cut, and both pretty hot. If you can’t make a spark with this much kindling, maybe you need a better flint.
The penis is the flint.
Reason 4: Weird Parental Hangups
Look, unlike us, who finally proved we don’t need our fathers love by writing articles about super mans six inch sub on the internet, superman has a ton of issues. And frankly, if they don’t express themselves in some weird way either mid, or post super plough, we’ll eat our capes.
Reason 5: No Zips.
You’re feeling good, you’ve had exactly the correct amount of booze to make you think this is a good idea, without having so much that you just want your nightly cry and a twenty three hour nap.
You’re at his place, you’re both into it, you go to ease the costume off those big, Rob Liefeld shoulders, and, wait, how…does it have a button somewhere? In the back maybe? How do…wait, let me try and get it…Is there a zip? What is this?
It’s like being fourteen facing the newest technology in sports bras but it’s EVERYWHERE.
And so that concludes our scientific research. Tune in next week for our special on how martian manhunter poops and how Squirrel Girl…well never mind.